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Clonesy/Script
peeps over the counter of Stick It. Seeing nobody near, he drops his board and leaps on it before skating down a corridor. Jude: "'Scuse me. Coming through. Looking foxy for an older chick." husband of the older chick pulls her closer and slaps her behind playfully. Older Chick: "Ooh! Harold." stops at the escalators, pulls out a camera, and begins interviewing himself. Jude: "And...action!" skater "Hello, fans of extreme skating! Today I will be executing a tasty front-nose railslide down the escalator, followed by a melon 360 if I don't kill myself." commentator "Jude, has this ever been attempted at the mall before?" skater "No Jude, it hasn't." commentator, faking a laugh "Then we're in for a treat!" skater "Yes Jude, we are." backs up a few yards and gets ready for launch. Jude: distasteful "Groovy." propels himself forward onto the escalator. He goes down one leg and up another. Jude: "WEEEEHHEEEEHEEEHEEEHOO!!!" the skater loses momentum and eventually comes to rest in the middle of the two rails. Jude: "Huh?" understands. "Could someone please press the emergency stop?" launches a ball at his head. "Hmm." ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Clonesy' ---- ''gang are around the table without Jude. Caitlin is reading the paper. Caitlin: "You're a Taurus, right?" Jonesy: "You know it! You mess with the bull, you get the horns, know what I'm saying?" Nikki: "Oh yeah. There's some kind of bull at this table." Jonesy: "Got that right. Wanna be my matador?" Nikki: "I think I'll pass." Caitlin: "Okay, Taurus. A compliment to a friend could lead to great things. Look for new job opportunities." Jonesy: "A new job? Booyah!" away one of Wyatt's earphones "You hear that?" Wyatt: "Wow, another job, another brilliant way to get fired!" Caitlin: "Well, this astrologer is really good. Actually, she predicted that I should never date a Taurus. Ever." Jonesy: "Very wise. And may I say you're looking exceptionally fine today." Nikki: "Oh brother." Jonesy: "And may I say you're looking very fine today too. For you, anyway." Nikki: him "Get out of my face." Wyatt: "Way to put the horror in horoscope." Jen: "Are you looking for a job?" Jonesy: "I am. And may I say, Jen, you are looking exceptionally fine today." Jen: "Save it. Coach Halder is reorganizing the stockroom, and we could use some part-timers." Jonesy: "Will heavy lifting be involved?" Jen: "Just moving boxes and stuff." Jonesy: "Yeah, Jen, see, lifting things violates my religion." Wyatt: "Jonesy worships at the Temple of Eternal Slack." Jen: "Just trying to help you out." up "I better go. Break is over." Caitlin: "Yeah, I should get back to work too. I have to dust all the lemons." Nikki: worried "You dust the lemons?" Caitlin: "Business has been slow." Wyatt: up "Gotta bounce. Later." Nikki: "Seeya." turns to Jonesy. "Khaki Barn's having their annual 'Look Like Everyone Else' sale this week." Jonesy: "So?" Nikki: "So...nothing. I just heard the Clone Queen saying she was looking for an extra part-timer." Jonesy: "Heavy lifting?" Nikki: "Not that I do. It's pretty much just folding sweaters." Jonesy: "Cool! But...I don't know how to fold sweaters." Nikki: "Uh...I could give you a crash course after we close." Jonesy: "I dunno, you and I working together?" Nikki: "Well, y'know, don't come if you don't want to. No biggie." Jonesy: "No I'll be there." Nikki: "Cool." Jonesy: "Cool." skates through the food court. His skateboard runs into a bunch of colored balls, and he goes flying. When he comes down, he lands on the table. Jude sticks his hand out and catches his board. Jude: "How's it going?" Nikki: "Are you okay?" Jude: "Awesome. Can you help me up?" sits his friend up. "Ow ow! Ow." Nikki: "Speaking of pain, I've gotta get back to the Tacky Barn. See you after work." leaves. Jonesy: "Check it out. Nikki's setting me up with a gig at the Khaki Barn." Jude: "Awesome." Jonesy: "But dig this. You know what Nikki said when I told her I didn't know how to fold sweaters?" Jude: "They have a sweater-folding machine?" Jonesy: "No, she said–hold on. A sweater-folding machine? What are you, six?" Jude: "Dude, if they can build a device to clap on-and-off lights, they can build a sweater-folding machine." Jonesy: "So anyway, Nikki tells me to come by after work so she can teach me." Jude: "Cool." Jonesy: "Alone." shakes his skateboard, and a gumball falls out of a wheel. Jude: "So that's what's been stuck in there." pops it in his mouth. "Mmm. Cherry!" Jonesy: "Dude, don't you get it? She wants me!" Jude: "You think every girl wants you, bro." Jonesy: "I know, but Nikki's different! Remember last week, when we went to the movies? She was practically trying to sit on my lap!" Jude: "Yeah, 'cause you took her seat." Jonesy: "Well how about when we went out for drinks at the Banana Shack. She paid for my Spunky Monkey." Jude: "You left your wallet at home." Jonesy: "I'm telling you, dude, she's got Jonesyvision!" Jude: "Okay. So what's the problemo, chief? Do you like her?" Jonesy: "Sure, I-I like her. I l-l-like you too, so what?" Jude: up "You like her like her, don't you? Jonesy and Nikki, kissing in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Jonesy: him "Ssh!" who has been forgotten inside the stand, gasps. Jude starts sniffing Jonesy. Jonesy: "What are you doing?" Jude: "When a dude's really into a chick, they give off these vibes you can like smell. I think they're called fartimones." Jonesy: "That's the freakiest thing I've ever heard, dude." Jude: sniffing "It's true." finished "Dude, you stink." Jonesy: "Okay, I like her! But if you say a word about this to anyone, you're a dead man." Jude: "Chill, dude. Your secret is safe with me." Jonesy: "I mean it!" sniffs himself and walks off. Caitlin: to herself, so Jude can't hear "I have to find Jen. She'll know what to do." ---- Caitlin, and Wyatt have gathered outside the Khaki Barn. Jen: "If Jonesy and Nikki start dating, we are completely screwed!" Wyatt: "Why? What's the big deal?" Jen: "Because, if they start dating, they are inevitably going to break up." Caitlin: "And when they do, we'll be the ones stuck in the middle! We won't be able to go out as a group–" Jen: "We'll have to choose sides." Caitlin: "I won't be able to use the word 'jonesing' in front of Nikki anymore–" Jen: "It'll be a total disaster!" Wyatt: "Are you sure Jonesy's serious about Nikki?" Caitlin: "I'm a girl. Of course I'm sure." Wyatt: "And is Nikki serious about Jonesy?" Caitlin: thinking "Um..." the Khaki Barn, Nikki is napping. Caitlin: "I don't know. But that's why we're here." Wyatt: "To find out?" Jen: "To make sure it doesn't get that far." Caitlin: "Wait here. We're going in." Wyatt: "What about me?" Caitlin: "Girl talk. No guys allowed." Wyatt: "Aw, come on." Jen: "Look, do you want us to find out or not?" puts his hands up in surrender. and Jen come up to the counter where Nikki is facedown sleeping. Caitlin: "Hey Nikki!" Jen: "Hey girl!" groans. Caitlin: "So, has Jonesy asked you to babysit his youngest brother on Saturday yet?" Jen: "Yeah, you know little Marshall? The one who likes to hit things? Hard?" Caitlin: "Especially the babysitter." Nikki: "No, he hasn't." Jen: "Oh, because he's asked all of us." Caitlin: "He's been begging us. It isn't pretty." Jen: "Only a crazy person would agree to babysit that little monster." Caitlin: "We just wanted to let you know, if he tries to bring it up and ask you, change the subject quick." Nikki: "Thanks for the tip." Caitlin: "No problem." Jen: "See ya." Caitlin: "Bye." and Caitlin exit the store. Jen: "You're smooth, sister!" Caitlin: "It's a gift." return to Wyatt. Wyatt: "So what happened? Did you find out if she likes him too?" Caitlin: "No, but if Jonesy tries to ask her out, he won't stand a chance." Caitlin, Wyatt, and Jen: "Yes!" all around abound. ---- the Khaki Barn, Nikki is teaching Jonesy. Nikki: "Now, any monkey can fold a sweater. Even you. But what separates us from the Clones is that we choose not to." tosses the sweater down in a heap. "See? You give it a try." Jonesy: "Yeah. Just a sec." heads to the back of the store and turns on some music. The band is DawgToy. Wyatt: with Jen and Caitlin "Oh, tell me he didn't just put on DawgToy." Jen: "It is her favorite band. Smart play, Jonesy." Caitlin: "Darn it! We should have smashed the CD player." awkwardly dances up to Nikki. Jonesy: "Hey." Nikki: "What are you doing?" Jonesy: "I thought, while we're here alone we could, you know, get our groove on." Nikki: "Sure, I guess." up a wad of clothes "Do you want to try unfolding these sweaters?" Jonesy: "Maybe later." grins. Nikki: "Okay, so, do you have any questions?" Jonesy: "Yeah, actually, I, uh–see–" Nikki: "Are you okay?" Jonesy: "Okay? I'm amazing! I mean, what are you doing Saturday night?" Nikki: "Alright, hold it right there, cowboy. I know what you're doing, and you can forget it. The answer is no. And please, don't beg." Jonesy: "Man, that was a little harsh." spying trio watch Nikki leave the store without Jonesy. Caitlin: "Yes!" Wyatt: "Mission accomplished!" ---- the Khaki Barn, Jonesy sits on a table, the Clones gathered about him, making him comfortable. Chrissy: "So, if you could have only three things on a deserted island, what would they be?" Nikki: her breath "I can give you three things I'd banish to a deserted island." Chrissy: the fourth coffee "Sorry, Nikki. We forgot about you." Clones laugh. Nikki: "Ugh!" rips a clotheshanger in half. ---- is interviewing himself again. Jude: reporter "Do you think the problem might be that when the camera is on, you tense up a bit?" skater "Yeah, I think I get a little tense." reporter "Why not just pretend like the camera isn't there?" skater "Dude. Brilliant idea." lowers the camera and gets on his skateboard. He skates away. ---- comes up to the Big Squeeze. Jen: "Hey. How about a sour lemon pucker?" Caitlin: "Sure." the air "Ew! What is that disgusting smell? It smells like gym class!" Jen: "Oh, it must be the Raging Heat muscle cream I rubbed on my shoulder. It's sore from lifting all those boxes in the stockroom." Caitlin: her nose "Ugh! I hope it's worth it!" Jen: "It's what they put on football players so they can keep playing with broken legs. Poke me in the shoulder with a straw." Caitlin: "Shove over. Incoming customer." incoming customer is Jason and Joanie. They sniff the air and quickly run away. Caitlin: "You chased away all my customers!" happy "You can come by all stinky anytime." approaches the stand with Wyatt. Nikki: "So obviously Jonesy will chase anything that's female. But, I mean, the clones? What is with that?" Wyatt: "I–" Nikki: "You don't think he likes them, do you?" Wyatt: "Uh-uh." Nikki: "I mean, they're clones!" Wyatt: "You said that already." Nikki: "Oh yeah, but you didn't see him with them. It's this big lovefest in there! I don't get it! Why?" Wyatt: "Well–" Nikki: "You know what? Never mind. I don't care who Jonesy spends his time with." Caitlin: "She's hooked." Wyatt: "Like a widemouth bass." Caitlin: "Totally into him! We cannot let them get together, do you hear me? This calls for drastic action." ---- is filming himself again, this time at the information booth. Jude: "For my next stunt, I will attempt an extreme ollie to tailgrab fakey double heel-flip body aerial followed by a zero alley-oop five over the fountain. I will now pretend the camera isn't here." starts skating. He gets halfway down the stairs, runs into a janitor's cart, and goes flying, a mop traveling with him. Jude: "Uh-oh." crotch lands on the mop when he lands. Jude bounces twice before coming to a halt by the fountain. Jude: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ---- is at Stick It, putting frozen meat on the pained parts of his body. Jen: "Jude, are you okay?" Jude: "If you're thinking about hitting a janitor cart sometime soon, I would strongly advise against it." Jen: "Good to know." Jude: some kabobs "Aw, man. Even in my damaged state I can tell these stick-its are rank." Jen: "Actually, you might be smelling my shoulder." Jude: "Didn't see that one coming." Jen: "My shoulder was sore, so I put Raging Heat cream on it." hands the tube to Jude. Jude: label "Good for aches and pains associated with sporting injuries." Jen: "It's banned in Europe, so you know it's good." Jude: "Hmm." opens the tube, then looks at Jen. "I can't do it with you watching!" Jen: "Okay, okay. I've got to get back anyway. Just remember, you only need a dime-sized amount. It's really concentrated." rubs some on his neck and sighs. Jude: "Oh, yeah." an idea "Hmm..." rips his shirt off and rubs the cream all over himself. ---- the Khaki Barn, the Clones are still fawning over Jonesy. Chrissy: "So, have you decided which one of us you want to take for lunch?" Jonesy: "I don't know." Kirsten: "You could pick either one of us. It wouldn't matter." Nikki: "Sorry Clones, he's already got a lunch date. C'mon." whisks Jonesy away. Kirsten: "Hmph!" Chrissy: "Hmph!" is moving away from the store as fast as possible. Jonesy runs after her. Jonesy: "Hey! Whoa. Are we going out for lunch or the 100-meter dash?" Nikki: "Were you seriously thinking about going out with one of the Clones?" Jonesy: "You mean one of my co-workers? People do have lunch with people they work with, you know, Nikki." Nikki: "How would you know? You've never worked anywhere long enough to have lunch. Besides, they're pod people!" Jonesy: "Pod people who said yes." Nikki: "Is this about that babysitting thing?" Jonesy: "That what?" Nikki: "Oh forget it. Let's just eat." Jonesy: "Um..." to catch up "You should've warned me we were going out, I would've stretched!" pass Stick It. Jonesy sniffs the air. "Those stick-its are nasty, bro!" ---- and Nikki lean up against a pillar. Jonesy is munching on a burrito. Jonesy: full "I can't believe you're not eating. You're the one who wanted to go out for lunch." Nikki: "It has to qualify as food before I eat it." Jonesy: "Pass me some napkins?" hands him one, and he wipes his face. "This is one mean burrito." Nikki: "Yeah just so long as I don't hear from it later." Jonesy: "You wanna bite?" Nikki: "No." Jonesy: "Have a bite." Nikki: "No, I don't want any." drips on her shirt. "Uch! Jonesy, you got it on my clothes!" Jonesy: "Sorry! Pass me some more napkins?" Nikki: "Never mind, I'll do it." Jonesy: "No I'll get it." begins rubbing at the stain. the other side of the food court, Jen throws her drink away and turns around. She spots Jonesy and Nikki; shocked. From her angle, it looks as though they're kissing. Jen: "Oh no!" picks up her phone and calls someone. Nikki: "You're rubbing it in!" Jonesy: "I'm erasing it!" Nikki: "You're spreading it!" the mall, Jen is on the phone with Caitlin. Caitlin: "Hello?" Jen: "Cait. We have a Nikki and Jonesy code red. Repeat: code red. Meet me in the food court." ---- while later, the stain has not been fixed in any way. Nikki: "Bet you wouldn't have slopped food on Chrissy." Jonesy: "Would you relax? Why are you being so mean?" Nikki: "Why are you hitting on the Clones?" Jonesy: "What do you care? You said you wouldn't go out!" Nikki: "I said I wouldn't babysit for–what? You want to go out with me?" Jonesy: "No. Well–I did." Nikki: "So–okay. Let's go out." Jonesy: "Okay. When?" Nikki: "Well–now's as good a time as ever." Jonesy: "Don't we have to go back to work?" Nikki: "You have so much to learn about the Khaki Barn." leads Jonesy away. Jen peeps out from behind a pole. Caitlin rushes up and joins her. Caitlin: panting "I got here as fast as I could." Jen: "You just missed it. Major pre-date activity happening." Caitlin: "Oh no! Where'd they go?" Jen: "Towards the amusement park." two rush after Jonesy and Nikki. ---- is working Stick It when his arms suddenly go limp. Jude: "Uh-oh..." pokes his arm, and it swings loosely. He tries repeatedly, and it stays limp and floppy. Jude: up the tube "Maybe I used a little too much." whole body goes floppy, and Jude hits the floor. Jude: "Whoa. Uh-oh!" ---- and Nikki are riding the Vomit Comet. Nikki is enjoying it; Jonesy, not so much. Nikki: "Are you serious? You're scared?" Jonesy: "Heck yeah! But don't tell anyone, okay?" coaster hits the loop-de-loop. Caitlin and Jen watch through binoculars. Jen: "Oh, they are so on a date!" Caitlin: "Better call for reinforcements." Nikki: them "Is that Jen and Caitlin down there?" Jonesy and Nikki: waving "Hi Jen! Hi blondie!" Jen: "Oh shoot. They saw us." Wyatt: Caitlin's call "Hello?" Caitlin: "Wyatt. Find a way to leave work. We have a definite situation here." Jen: "I'll call Jude." ---- Stick It, Jude's phone rings. Jude has managed to find his way into a chair. Jude: "Hold on, dude! Keep ringing!" hurls himself out of his chair onto the ground. ---- date has moved to the Gigantoplex. Wyatt, Jen and Caitlin spy on the duo. Caitlin: "Okay. They've just bought tickets to the new romantic comedy." Jen: "Uh oh. I've seen this one. Major mush factor. We have to work fast!" Caitlin: "Ready?" Wyatt: some coffee "Ready as I'll ever be." Caitlin: "Let's go." ---- the theater, the movie is playing. Actor: "Forget about the others." Actress: "Darling, hold me close." Actor: "You're the only one for me." and Nikki are watching when Wyatt arrives, clutching some popcorn. Wyatt: "Hey guys." Caitlin: up by Nikki "Oh my gosh! I didn't know you guys would be at this movie." Wyatt: "Great seats, guys. Popcorn, Caitlin?" Caitlin: "Oh yeah. Hand it over." reaches across Nikki for it. "Pop?" Wyatt: over Jonesy "Thanks. So thirsty." takes a sip and turns to Jonesy. "Pop?" Jonesy: "No thanks, dude. Got mine." Nikki "What are they doing here?" Nikki: "I don't know." Jen: behind them "Oh, I love this part! This is where she kisses him for the very first time!" Caitlin: "Want some popcorn?" Jen: "Thanks!" treats "Licorice, anybody?" and Jonesy silently decline. Actor: "I love you." Actress: "And I love you." ---- is hidden behind the counter, basically unable to move. Jude: "Oh man, what am I gonna do? My mouth is still working. Bonus! I completely forgot I had a mouth there for a second! Okay. No need to panic. Use...my mouth..." heaves his chin onto the counter. He grabs his cell with his teeth and tosses his head, letting it fly against the serving well. It bounces off and flops open. Jude picks up a straw with his teeth and beins to dial. Jude: "Mmm. Mmmph. Mmmmmmmmmmh!" press knocks the phone forward until finally, it falls onto the ground in front of Stick It. Jude: "Okay. I need to panic." ---- and Nikki are angrily walking down a corridor, trailed by their three annoying friends. Jen: "Don't worry about walking out early. I can tell you how it ends over ice cream." Nikki: "Some other time, maybe." Caitlin: "I know how not knowing how a movie ends can bug you." Nikki: "Right now, that's not what's bugging me." five pass Stick It. Jen stops and halts Caitlin as well. Jen: "Look, the Stick It is empty. Where's Jude?" Caitlin: "I dunno. C'mon." Jen: "But I called him earlier and there was no answer. He always answers." Caitlin: "We don't have time right now!" picks up the tube of ointment and gasps. Jen: "Look! It's empty! If Jude used that much, he could really be in trouble." Caitlin: "We can't let them out of our sight, let's go!" ---- propels himself through the mall on his skateboard. Although he lies prone on it, he is able to move slowly by pushing with the few muscles that still function in his ankles and feet. Jude: "Heart muscle, don't relax. You-you keep going in there, heart muscle dude." runs into Stanley. "Stanley? Is that you, mini-dude?" Stanley: "Yeah." Jude: "I need you to go to the Penalty Box and get Jen. Can you do that, buddy?" Stanley: "How much you got?" Jude: "There's a fiver in my back pocket with your name on it." retrieves the bill. Stanley: sniffing "You stink." heads off to find Jen. Soon, though, he's distracted by the arcade. Stanley looks at his hand, spies the bill, and runs into the arcade. ---- is hiding behind a potted plant. Jonesy and Nikki are on a bench. Jen and Caitlin rush up. Caitlin: "Wyatt! What happened?" Wyatt: "I don't know! They kinda got away from me! I didn't know what to do!" Jen: gasping "They're going to kiss." Caitlin: "No! We have to stop them!" Jen: "There's nothing we can do now. It's over." a grunt is heard. It's Jude, making his way in their direction. Jen: "AAH! It's Jude!" and Nikki are about to kiss when Jonesy sees his friend. Jonesy: "Jude!" gasps. The friends find their way to Jude. Jude: "Hey..." Caitlin: "Are you okay?" Jude: "I can't use my arms." Wyatt: "Get him up." Jonesy: Wyatt "You're gonna be okay." Nikki "Guess that's it for tonight." Nikki: "Yep, you really know how to show a girl a good time." Caitlin: whispering "Jude, you're a genius! I'll get you some water." Jude: "Huh?" ---- is plopped down on the bench Jonesy and Nikki just vacated. Jen: "I'll try to find an antidote." leaves. Wyatt: "Maybe some coffee'll help. Be right back." heads out. Jonesy: "Maybe sometime we can lock all these guys in a closet and try again?" Jude: off the bench "Oh no..." Nikki: "Weirder things have happened." ---- is lying on the table while Jen gives him a shoulder massage. Jen: "Coach said the important thing is to keep your blood circulating and drink plenty of water." Jude: "Water. Gotcha." takes a sip. Nikki: "How's the patient, doctor?" Jen: "The heat cream should be out of his system in about eight hours." Jude: "Eight hours?" Jen: "Maybe sooner if you work it out." Jonesy: up "I'll help you, bro." Nikki: "Me too. Up you get." two pick Jude up and take him for a walk. Jude: "Hey, isn't that the unmistakable aroma of those fartimones things again?" Nikki: "Uh, no. I think that's just Jonesy's burrito." Jen: them leave "Well guys, here's to a job well done. Way to keep 'em apart." Caitlin: "We were so clever." Wyatt: "They didn't stand a chance." and Jonesy are talking about their messed-up date as they walk Jude. Nikki: "Great movie choice, by the way. A chick flick?" Jonesy: "I was trying to be a gentleman. I thought chicks dig them." Nikki: "Well, maybe the clones." playfully slaps Nikki. Nikki returns the slap. Jonesy tries to slap her butt, but hits Jude instead. Jonesy: "Sorry dude. I was aiming for Nikki." Jude: "No worries, dude, that butt cheek's still asleep." and Nikki laugh. ---- Wyatt, Nikki, Jonesy, and Jen are around the table. Jude arrives with a tray of stick-its. Jude: "Stick-it?" Jonesy: one "Don't mind if I do." Caitlin: "You look like you're all better!" Jude: "Yeah, I can feel every part of my body again." Nikki: "Just don't be doing it in front of us, okay?" Caitlin: "These stick-its are great!" Wyatt: "Yeah, they melt in your mouth!" Jude: "That's because I used the best meat tenderizer ever." Jen: "I think I recognize the spice." thinks. Around the table, the stick-its droop. Jen gasps in recognition. Jen: "Jude! You didn't!" Jude: "I shall never reveal the Colonel's secret recipe. But I will tell you it's the choice of football players everywhere." Caitlin: "Gross!" Jen: "Eww!" Wyatt: "Aw, man!" Jonesy: "Dude?" lips sag. Nikki: noticing "Nice." Jonesy: "I can't feel my lips..." Category:Season 1